What should I know about Turkish men?Cathyuk (Original Message) Sent: 08/08/2008 00:17
I've met this Turkish guy, It's early days but I think things are going to move fast as he will need to move to UK. He's gorgeous, a really good looking man and keeps saying he is a honest, faithful man, and he wants to see how things go with a view to marriage and kids etc. He seems just too good to be true, which is why I'm being so cautious.
so ... what have your experiences been? are there any culture clash problems? he seems to get a little jealous if I talk to anyone else - is this normal?
I really want to give this a go, but as I've been hurt in the past I don't want to get hurt again.
From: littlegemzybaby Sent: 08/08/2008 10:42
Just a few questions first:
How long have you known him?
Is there an age gap? Do you have children?
Do you both want things to move fast?
Why will he need to move to the UK?
Why does he tell you he is honest and faithful? Surely you would rather witness this than him tell you these things? He's not going to tell you he is dishonest and unfaithful!
My experience is, I kept my fiance at arms length for a while so that I could make up my own mind whether he was as good as I hoped he was. I didn't listen to his friends telling me how crazy he was about me or his family telling me how much he loved me, etc. I'm very cynical and I realised that they weren't going to tell me something bad were they. On the other hand, I didn't listen to my friends, family or the media that he may be a rat, etc. I already knew the possiblities so I gave it time and trusted my own judgement. In time I allowed myself to love him and trust him!
I don't know what others think but I do believe Turkish men talk about marriage sooner than an English man does and not always because he is trying to gain entry to the UK. I believe it is because if they think they have found the right one, they would rather be married than dating. However i wouldn't let anyone rush me into marriage and if I felt he was desperate to get married and wouldn't leave the subject alone, I would worry what his true intentions were.
Culture clash problems - we've had lots of those and we still do. We're both quite opinionated but whereas I have grown up to know that people have different view points, I don't think many Turks have (not generalising, this is just my experience). However as time goes on, we are learning to accept one anothers beliefs, cultures, etc and making compromisies is the key.
Men and women can be jealous all over the world but I personally believe that jealousy is not viewed as a bad thing in Turkish culture and therefore I feel an average Turk tends to be more jealous than an average Brit. At first it can be flattering but after time, it will piss you off! Nip it in the bud now! Don't allow him to feed you the rubbish of him just worrying about you and trying to protect you. My fiance used to be very jealous and I believe if i had allowed it, it could have got out of control. However, he is in England now and has had to get used to the fact that I have many male friends and although it took time for him to understand this, he is now fine with it. I think jealousy is something that can't go away completely because it is inbuilt over time but people can learn to deal with it. I don't think there is anything wrong with a little jealousy, it can keep you on your toes and make things a little exciting but do not accept jealousy as being normal because the next step would be accepting possessiveness as normal and then control, etc.
I hate to read stories of women getting hurt, particularly when it happens time and time again so keep your eyes open, don't let your heart rule you and see how things pan out before you make any decisions. Protect yourself and good luck!
It could turn into a lovely relationship and he could be a wonderful man but I suggest keeping a guard up for a while.
From: silansmum Sent: 08/08/2008 11:02
Its maybe just the way you've written your post, but I wanted ask why
"It's early days but I think things are going to move fast as he will need to move to UK"
Things don't have to move fast - they will only move as fast as you and he allow it to. If you have children already in the UK, and thats why things have to "move fast", then if anything I'd be advising caution. The last thing you want to do is bring someone from another country/culture into your children's home and lives, when there will already be serious adjustments to be made in his and your lives as adults.
As to culture clashes - yes, there could well be. Especially if your man has not spent time in the UK before. You are really going to have to spell out to him what your life is like, warts and all. And he's going to have to give you honest answers in return, if you are to have any chance at all at second guessing what your life together may be like. Even then, as he really won't have a clue about real life in the UK before he gets here, it will take 2 very strong and understanding individuals to make your relationship work long-term. Both of you will have to put in a lot of effort, over a long time.
The jealousy thing he is just going to have to get over - you live in the UK, where men and women work together, socialise together etc, without there having to be any kind of sexual relationship going on. If he has a problem with it now, you're going to have to try to iron it out before things go much further. Its unlikely, if he has a jealousy problem now, its going to lessen much in the future.
From: Beyaztavsan5 Sent: 10/08/2008 12:28
Even if the jealousy thing is "normal" it is still unacceptable and you should tred carefully. Personally I do not think it is a good sign.
Other things too consider relgion and what relgion do you want your children to grow up in if any? How religious is he and is he likely too become more relgious as time goes by? A couple I know just broke up for this exact reason he just out of the blue went all prayers 5 times a day and no Xmas tree in the house etc. A BIG question would also have to be are you happy to have your male children circumsized? Would you be happy to have your male children conscripted into the Turkish Army? How does this man feel about these 2 very important issues?
What are his thoughts on financially supporting his family (and half his village) how will you feel if he starts ferreting his (or your) wages off to Turkey at the expense of your own household finances? It may seem like the right and honorable thing to do and "wouldn't it be great if westerners were more family orienated blah blah etc." now but the reality is A LOT different when you see you hard earned cash being spirited away by people who think you are the village cash cow.
Sorry to be all doom a gloom but these kinds of things need to be considered very carefully before you decide to invest more of yourself in a serious relationship with a Turkish man.
From: Strawberryx7 Sent: 10/08/2008 13:30
Why don't you get to know him properly and then decide if you want to take things further? What's the rush for goodness sake?????
I'm not sure how well you know him (or even if you've MET!) but you say its early days; what d'you call early days? A week? A month?
I think you need to spend at least a year in each others company before deciding to marry; by that I mean seeing each other on a regular basis - in the flesh.
This man you like could suffer from all sorts of afflictions. Best you dicover them now than after bethrothing yourself to him!
Personally, I think marriage should be made much more difficult to arrange. Some Turks marry western women at the drop of a hat.! Can't think why..........................or can I?
From: Millie Sent: 13/08/2008 16:13
Strawbs - I know what you mean. My husband swore undying love and a life together forever. It all changed when he got to the UK. He walked out 7 months later leaving me devasted and deeply in debt. It's taken me 3 years to get over things, and I'm still paying a loan off as I had to consolidate the debts!
From: RacelineLooby Sent: 17/08/2008 08:40
When I read stories about women who get dragged off on a 10 hr bus trip to meet the prospective in-laws on the 1st meeting and are engaged on the 2nd it sounds very bizaar and my own experience is that this is not normal in Turkey!
What I would say is that it doesn't matter how many times you visit and how much time you spend on MSN/SKYPE etc until you live with a Turkish man (indeed any man) you don't really know him!
I think we all have had to take chances somewhere down the line to be with our Turkish fellas because of circumstances and all we can do is make sure our kids are always No 1 & protect them and our finances!
Good Luck X
From: Daisyweb3 Sent: 18/08/2008 09:19
In my experience things that seem too good to be true usually are, and people that need to talk of their qualities usually don't posess the very thing they proclaim to be, gorgeous is as gorgeous does my Dad always says, look at what he does to see if he is a gorgeous person, not at his physical attributes, they will alter with age anyway. If he is putting pressure on you to move things too quickly then you are already hearing warning bells but you are choosing to ignore them, being swept along with the romantacism of it all.
Are you in love with love? and the romance of meeting a dream man? living with and marrying a Turkish man is a lot more hard graft than that in my experience, first there is the language barrier, then the cultural differences, and then the religion, also the traditions they have and we have, there is so many subjects to choose from to find a problem with and to argue about, and even when love is strong enough to withstand the battles, it is totally draining.
I have been with my hubby for 9 years and married 7 and during this time we have had some major battles not only with immigration but also with each other, we love each other and have proved we are strong enough together to get through but it is a drain on you after a while, and makes you think how much easier it would be to be with someone from my own culture.
I was drawn in with the romance of it all, and even though we love each other to bits, it hasn't been easy, there have been so many issues, from sending money to Turkey, to the family meaning more than me, to what if we have kids what will they be muslim or christian, should I cover my hair in Turkey? etc etc. We even have had big arguments that turned out to be a misunderstanding due to the language barrier, where he thought I said something different than I did, and visa versa.
A lot of Turkish men in my experience search for UK women as they have a dream of coming to the UK as they believe they will find wealth here, also they think the women are free and easy so can have a wild time once they get here, they don't seem to think about the women they are using to get here, and once here treat them badly, I am only talking from my own experience, I know at least 4 men who did this, and have since moved on to other women and different parts of the UK.
I think if you are having to question so much this is good as you are not being foolish, it is called self preservation, look after yourself and don't allow yourself to be a meal ticket for any man. If he loves you trully he will wait until you are ready and not try to pressurise you, you have been hurt before and don't want this to happen again so listen to your gut instincts don't let your heart rule your head.
Good luck, by the way my man was here in the UK, I met him here, but know some of his friends and cousins who have married UK women and since left them, or treated them badly so that the woman has chucked them out. I still believe there are some genuine men out there but you need to be careful.
From: SunnyJane0 Sent: 19/08/2008 03:39
Well ... your story sounds so typical. Turkish men are very clever at making a woman feel as though they are the most beautiful and important on the planet ... until they get your gifts, money etc. I was in business with one and he always praised me and my efforts and always told me that as well as brains I had beauty. Luckily, I didn't get involved romantically as I have a serious relationship. However, even in business relationship he kept telling me how honest and trustworthy he was and yes, everything seemed too good to be true ... and it was! The bastard (or Fethiye Rat) double crossed me and then disappeared. I now learn this is his modus operandum and that as well as business misdealings he always has several women strung along (often from different countries) and they are ALL very special beautiful, etc. Also, I learn that he is courting an English woman (hope it's not you!) of 35 who he wants to move to England to be with and have babies with. But he said he doesn't want to get married!!!
If your Romeo is in Fethiye, put his name out there and see what you learn. This is what I did with my business partner and BOY! did I learn a lot. Good luck Cathy and remember, if it is too good to be true, it probably - no definitely - is!